i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
