"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
