I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
