I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
