She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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