from now on my penis is your penis
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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