The maid of honor just puked.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
