no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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