When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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