my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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