I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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