I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
not ubering you a puppy
Pants are for mortals
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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