There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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