my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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