tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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