if only i could text you this smell
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
