Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
