My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
