Grow some girl-balls and come out already
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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