i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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