My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
