i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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