I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Couch. On fire.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
