return my video game
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
