Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
