My first STD was from a foam party
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
