I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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