I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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