Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
