Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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