if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I party with great urgency now.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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