i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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