6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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