if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
