I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
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