Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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