You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
