Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
