I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
