I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We need to get me chipped asap
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