So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So many bounce houses so little time
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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