Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
