Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
