New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
did you just send me my own nude
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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