smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
