If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
