Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
