If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you win again, gameday.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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