If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
