is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
