Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
