Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
