Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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