Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Dear god my vagina.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
