guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
