I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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