Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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