Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He shit in the fireplace
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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