I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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